guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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