3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
