I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
