you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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