speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
