I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
