We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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