you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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