Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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