i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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