Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
