I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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