420 ftw
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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