just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
