i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
