I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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