there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
