Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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