my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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