I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
