I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
