R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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