Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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