my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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