thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
