I cockslap morals
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
