I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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