sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
