i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
