If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We left the knife in your bed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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