3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just forgot I was standing up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
