Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Less talking, more tequila
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
