I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
