i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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