If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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