Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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