we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
