I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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