someone threw a dead crab at me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
