god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
