You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
