Please, let me fuck your mom
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
