I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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