She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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