My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
