I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
