i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
