I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
