Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am naked and annoyed.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
