You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
